Football is dialectical materialism.

See here for point spreads.

The general rules

1. Figure out what will cause the most disappointment to the most number of people and bet on that.
2. Bet on the region with the most ties to the criminal underworld.
3. Bet on the region involved in an up and coming mass movement.

Some picks

Arizona will win over Oakland. This is rule 3 at work. Arizona is a big Tea Party state. Oakland is in San Fransisco’s back yard. The political subtext shouts at anyone willing to listen. The Tea Party is still in phase 3, so the cooptation handbook rules to apply here are:

• build the movement as a brand
• fade out details about what the brand stands for
• establish the villain

Bet on Baltimore to trash Cleveland. Rule number 1 favors this outcome. Cleveland wants this victory bad, and disappointment makes excellent satellite food^*. Rule 2 would favor Cleveland, but remember that the FBI raids have dismantled the lower and middle tiers of the local machine. Rule 3 doesn’t apply in either city.

San Fransisco will take Kansas City. This one is complex. There’s an Alamo strategem involved. Kansas City won’t just lose — this game might include a few season-ending injuries. San Fransisco must emerge from this game as a merciless villain.

Later this season, another team will get the chance to avenge Kansas City’s humiliating defeat.

[*] Remember those satelites deployed as part of Reagan’s SDI program? It turns out they were really designed to convert blue-collar misery into energy.